When Did The World Stop Making Sense?

USC- 21 Oregon St.- 27. It really make you think doesn't it? USC should have crushed the Beavers (2). But Oregon St. took it to the best team in the country with a guy named Jacquizz. This should not happen. The only team with the acronym OSU that should stand a chance against USC is Ohio State University. And just last week, THAT OSU got demolished by USC (3).

This is just the latest in a series of stupid things that make no sense and are defined as life. None of it has ever made sense. It probably never will. Thats where religion comes from. The realization that "oh shit I have no clue whats going on I better get some answers. What? There are no answers? Well lets make some. I don't care if they aren't true, its something. What do you mean? Truth? Integrity? Fuck that, I need to figure out how to build a wheel and don't have time for all that (4)!"

But to me, the Christian model doesn't help. At all. It justifies the absord questions with even more absurd answers. Where do we come from? There was this really wild week where we, and everything else, came from. What came next? The first lady invented pissed off God by eating fruit so now we have to go through all this bullshit. Fruit? Yes, forbidden fruit. Why was it forbidden? To test her. Why did she need a test? To see if she would fail. God is all knowing so why did he have to see if she would fail? Why didn't he just know she would fail? Isn't that entrapment? Um.... pray about it (5).

A model that makes sense to me is ancient Greek mythology (7). Their answer for why things make no sense is that the Gods made us for their entertainment. THAT makes sense. That explains why Eli Manning's Giants beat Tom Brady's Patriots. THAT is entertaining. The Christian model is built on meritocracy. You are good, God rewards, bad, God punishes. What did Tom Brady do that was so awful in week 19 that he didn't do all regular season? He seemed fine. No murder accusations have come up. He didn't rape anyone cause he is sleeping with Gisel so whats the point? What DOES make sense is that that shit is hilarious. If you are a god, say... Apollo, and you get bored one football season, what would you do? Every year has been kinda the same. Good games here and there, Peyton Manning is running his offense in spite of his offensive coordinator, some minor records are almost being broken but Jerry Rice still has them all. But hey, I got it! Make a "perfect team". Build them into the greatest sporting spectacle in history. Then, when its time to take their rightful place at the podium of perfection, some sneaky ass bastards from New York who barely made the playoffs win the whole thing. ON THE BACK OF A QURTERBACK AND COACH WHO ARE KNOWN FOR FALLING APART IN THE CLUTCH!!! THATS ENTERTAINING!!! I bet all the Gods enjoyed your show Apollo. Well done.

See the logic in that? We are by most counts perfectly reasonable and intelligent beings (8). And yet we are faced with situations every day that make NO sense to us. At all. Traffic? Why? Why would you have to stop and look at the accident and make me late for band practice? Just go! An all knowing, and loving God wouldn't do this. He would part the traffic. It doesn't add up. Test us? What for? He knows the results. The only possible explanation, which I still think could be the case, is that he is a huge joker. He loves a laugh (9). And perhaps about 2 minutes after we die, we get the punchline. God, dressed as Ashton Kutcher, comes out from behind a wall with a camera crew, we laugh it off and call him a dick, and anxiously await the unveiling of this joke to our friends.

But still, the model that makes sense to me is the Greek one. Lets take these little human things and give them reason, closely followed by perfectly unreasonable situations. Its like taking two spiders and putting them in a box. I have a limited knowledge of spiders, but they seem pretty content with spinning and eating and other spiderly things and don't typically look for confrontation (10). But you put them in a super weird situation like a little box with a stranger and they flip. For some reason, they instantly feel they have to fuck the other spider up. There is no point of refrence for the spider in the box. This is not situation he is built to handle so he acts irrationally.

Same thing happens when the economy goes to shit. Suddenly for some inexplicable reason, John McCain feels rather then telling Americans how he would fix this problem as president, he decides he needs to stop talking to Americans about anything. When for no real apparent reason a girl stops calling you after you were certain things were going great, you start writing blogs comparing Eli Manning to Eve (11). And when the USC Trojans get knocked off the top of the world by a mediocre at best State college, I am pretty sure Kirk Herbstreet from College Game Day goes on 5 day coke binge (12).

USC-21 Oregon St.- 27 (13). There is no truth.

I am sorry most of you probably have no clue who or what I am talking about. Google it. Or ask questions in the comment field. Either way, you get a cute video out of this (10).


(1) NOW WITH FOOT NOTES!!!!
(2) Not a sexual innuendo. Its the Oregon State Beavers.
(3) Which begs the question, should Beenie Wells get the Heisman simply because when he doesn't play his team is pretty much shit?
(4) Actual transcript from a cave drawing in ancient North Dakota.
(5) When I was young and Mormon we had this fun thing we would do in church. When asked a question we didn't know the answer to, we would simply say pray about it. In Christianity, that answer is always right. Of course at the time I didn't realize the philosophical ramifications of such an idea; that an answer so vague is somehow right, but hey, it got me a fun sized candy (6).
(6) Unless it was fast Sunday.
(7) Mythology is religion after a few thousand years when people decide that particular religion is silly.
(8) Except Ann Coulter
(9) To a higher being, I bet Sarah Palin as Vice President is on par with Dave Chapelle.
(10)

(11) It has also been said that just after inventing humans, the Gods got bored again so they invented love. They stopped getting bored after that.
(12) With Craig Kilborn who STILL doesn't know what went wrong with Harold Minor being the next Michael Jordan.
(13) Just to add to the confusion, a kicker shanked an extra point.